Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
