All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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