I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
