I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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