I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
