I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you didnt know i had herpes?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
