i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
