He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
