If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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