Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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