How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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