im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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