If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
