his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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