my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
