Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
