and next time when you feel me up, do it right
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
