i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
