mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
