You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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