I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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