Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
