I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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