I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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