maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
