I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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