He asked to "fluff my boner.."
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
