I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
