Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
