I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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