ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Pooping to opera.
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