can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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