i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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