Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
