whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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