We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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