he wants to bone in the snuggie
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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