the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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