Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
