Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she smelled like a LAN party
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
