Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
