at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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