matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
sarcasm needs its own font
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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