did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
