her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
