I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
