we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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