I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
