just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
