please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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