Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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