Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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