I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
