i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
