Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
