new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
we should paint friendship bongs
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
