I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
