He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
