The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
