the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
