I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
